Making a brave move, doesn’t begin when you make the physical move to change, end or move forward to something new. It begins much earlier doesn’t it?
When you first get that feeling that your heart isn’t in something any more, or that you’re not feeling fully satisfied with something, you begin to experience the inner nudge to do something different. It doesn’t go away. It nags away at you. It consumes your thoughts. Even your heart sinks when you think about continuing the way things have been.
And you know, you’re going to have to make a ‘brave decision’ to make a ‘brave move’ and that’s the first step.
I remember, years ago having this mantra that seemed to go around my mind all the time ‘there must be more to life’ and after crashing to the bottom, I found the world of personal development and discovered that I could change my current reality if I chose. In fact, it was my responsibility to change my experience. This concept seemed revolutionary to me at the time! Woohoo! How very exciting and liberating! And I changed my life completely, my home, my business even, I retrained and I saw life in a whole new way.
I realised that I’d always been a coach, this was a natural gift I’d been given. I had always helped others to feel more empowered and feel more fabulous so they could achieve their dreams.
And I built a fabulous business too. I was making a difference, helping hundreds of women to go from Fed Up to Fabulous, create new businesses, new relationships, find their truth, create more time and money and so much more. I was working with women locally and globally, hosting live events, retreats in France, had group programmes at a high level and 1:1 high end clients too. Telesummits, webinars, teleclassess… I felt on fire. It was all unfolding with such ease.
Things began to change….
At the end of 2013, I went on holiday to Mexico with Andrew and had series of strange and concerning neurological episodes, I had a brain scan on my return home which showed some brain lesions. My medication for Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (I’ve had JRA for 40 years) was stopped immediately and I awaited tests for possible MS. I’d already booked to go to Sydney, Australia on my own for a week, to attend a 2 day event with Gina DeVee. I decided to take a risk and go anyway.
I LOVED my time in Sydney, it was one of the most beautiful weeks of my life. I felt invincible. I felt on top of the world. Being in the city, was a childhood dream come true.
And I signed up for Gina’s first Divine Living Academy Coaching & Business Programme… and then her highest level Mastermind Course which was an eye watering sum of money. Plus I was working with my high-end personal coach.
What I didn’t know at that point, was that I was about to become incredibly unwell. Without the medication which controlled the arthritis, it spiralled out of control. I couldn’t get in and out of bed easily, dress myself, cut up my food, fill a kettle, get off my sofa – or toilet sometimes by myself. Not being able to walk very far or drive the car meant that I had to stop my regular meet up groups. And the fatigue of the condition, along with the very full on year long course and full practice of clients, meant that I had little time or space for myself. I felt trapped in my body and in my home. It was highly frustrating and painful time.
I burned out. I’m not proud of it and there are no brownie points for reaching that state. I’m not sure quite what happened to make me keep pushing myself relentlessly, other than my reluctance to stop working on the Divine Living Academy course, I remember Gina saying to us all “how you show up for one thing, is how you show up for everything’ and I didn’t want to be a quitter or be seen as a quitter… (I now know it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks!). So I completed it, gained my Tiffany award at graduation in Miami… and felt anything other than Divine.
It was decided that I didn’t have MS which was a major phew! but that I was on the cusp of gaining this condition. It took time for the rheumatology team to find an new treatment for the JRA, which would not exacerbate the situation. Finally, a treatment called Rituximab was found as a possible way forward and gradually, month on month, my physical health began to improve.
And that was GREAT!
Around the same time, my ex-husband sold his house and my beautiful daughters who had some of their possessions at his home, arrived at mine. For some time, I felt overwhelmed with the ‘stuff’ in my home and began to feel trapped again.
I had fallen out of love with the coaching industry. I’d witnessed the ‘smoke and mirrors’ of some of the coaching profession and it left me cold. I was unsure about continuing to promote myself, afraid if I’m honest about being associated with the industry.
My beautiful girls, spread their wings and flew the nest. Firstly my courageous Anna, who moved to Norwich to be with her love and is on a wonderful path of work-away contracts and house sitting… India, Thailand, Spain and more recently Morocco. Then my soulful Becky, who’s a International Personal Branding Photographer moved into a house share in London – and who now is in her own flat in Brighton. I had what’s commonly known as ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’. And I felt lonely.
I felt like I was stuck. I was in this deep rut that I was struggling to pull myself out from. My relationship was flat lining. I’d been with my love for 6 years, despite our mutual support of each other, shared sense of humour and great holidays, we were still not living together, building a life together nor working towards our mutual dreams.
All of these elements had a significant impact on my identity, my emotional and mental well being. Who was I now? What’s my purpose? What am I here to be do or be now? Am I even needed? What do I want now? Will it always be this way? This level of self doubt, shows just how dis-connected I become from myself and my purpose. And it’s almost how I felt years before, when I was so deeply lost. It’s also what I’d been helping so many others with… You see, this personal loss can affect us all. No one is exempt. No one knows if or when it can happen.
Of course, I was able to maintain my business on a smaller scale than before. I have to be honest, I also dropped my fees significantly too. The gorgeous clients I was working with had my heart and soul as I supported them to grow and achieve their desires and gained excellent results. As I fully served and supported them, I helped myself to rise up.
It wasn’t enough. I’d had this nagging feeling that I needed to sell up and make a big change in my life – to feel like I was living and not just settling or existing. I was scarred though. It felt important for me to rebuild my business before I considered taking this leap of faith. I was seeking new direction in my business and nothing was coming to me… except this constant nagging to sell up, be brave and walk my talk.
The nagging feeling was being amplified. It wouldn’t go away. I tried to ignore it and be ‘sensible’. No good. It was still there. La la la… I’ll think of something else… anything… nope, it was still there. I couldn’t hide from it.
With the juvenile rheumatoid arthritis I also am aware that my mobility and flexibility may decrease as I get older… and I am not one to live with regret. I have big dreams and I’m much more a ‘live in the moment’ kinda gal. When I thought of spending time in warmer climates, feeling inspired, swimming in oceans, my heart skipped a beat. I knew I was meant to experience this – and only I was stopping myself.
I decided to get a few estate agents to come over and they gave me their market appraisal. Hmmm… shall I actually do it? Shall I sell and have an adventure? I felt scared… I then had this overwhelming feeling that if I stayed where I was, feeling the way I felt… that would be infinitely more scary than taking the chance on creating a new life and lifestyle. It was time to make my ‘brave move’.
So… there we are. My renaissance began. I took a leap of faith, put my home of 9 years on the market and started the sales process which moved ahead quickly. When the offer came in, I felt a rush of excitement and butterflies of ‘oh my god, am I really going to do this?’ And the inner feeling told me, yes I was.
The decision was like one big kick up the bum! I felt empowered, back in control of my own reality, back in business. And that’s the funny thing, once I’d followed that nagging sense of ‘sell’ and put my place on the market, I suddenly felt like the mist over my business began to clear and I felt motivated and ready to jump back in.
And the plan? What plan? Oh, there is no plan. No plan? Nope.
Well, what I can share with you, is that I want to go where I feel inspired. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face and on my bones. I want to fill myself up with beautiful moments, visit places which light me up, where I feel joyful and truly alive. So, I’m thinking places in the UK, Rome, USA, Bali and places in Europe.
Yep, I know I’ve got limited mobility and hospital appointments coming out of my ears – but so what? I’ll have to come back regularly to attend my appointments and treatments. My brave move, means just that. Not making excuses to play safe or small. And I will buy a property again, most likely in Devon to be nearer to my parents.
I’m going to freestyle for a while, I’m going to make choices that light me up, inspire and delight me and continue to grow my business with this new way of energy, excitement and passion. And there isn’t going to be plan in sight… just a desire to be extremely happy and to be of service to others! From this state, I know I’ll be doing my best work in the world, be back on purpose and ready to create a new chapter in my life!